how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
