I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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