I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I supernannyed him into submission
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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