I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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