I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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