I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
