My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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