my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
