Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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