You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
