proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My vagina is very pro this idea
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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