I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
