My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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