So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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