Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
