His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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