Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I will be naked everywhere
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
