Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
