Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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