My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
