Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
