I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
