Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize