rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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