me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
