brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
