honey bunches of taint.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
