Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
