Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
