i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
