I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
