Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
