Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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