God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
