I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize