I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
