I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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