I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
