dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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