she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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