"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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