We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
