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Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
