i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
