Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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