Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Randomize
