Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
