Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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