i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
