There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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