yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
