If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
