two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
this boner is exhausting
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
