There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
