apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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