I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
