The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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