I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Randomize
