Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
