She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
