I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
soo... how was my night?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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