2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
