She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry my hands just texted you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
